Breaking Free from the "Shoulds"

The Quiet Expectations We Place on Ourselves: Breaking Free from the “Shoulds”

Written by - Becky Noblet

I’ll never forget the day a therapist stopped me mid-session and said, “Becky, you’re "shoulding" everywhere!” It was a funny statement, and I couldn’t help but laugh. But then, it hit me. I had never really noticed how many “shoulds” I silently placed on myself. Every thought, every action, every goal I had seemed to come with an invisible expectation tied to it. I should be more productive. I should be more organized. I should be in better shape, I should know how to do everything. The list was endless, and all of it was self-imposed.

These quiet expectations—the ones we rarely voice but are constantly aware of or not aware of—are a heavy burden. They often come in the form of “shoulds.” The “shoulds” are those internalized pressures we create that dictate how we think we should be living our lives. They can be so ingrained in our daily routines that we don’t even realize we’re living by them.

What Are the “Shoulds”?

The “shoulds” are those unspoken rules and standards we apply to ourselves. They are the thoughts that tell us we should be doing more, achieving more, or behaving in a certain way. They often come from external sources—societal expectations, family norms, or even past experiences—and become internalized over time.

For instance, you might tell yourself, “I should be more organized by now.” Or perhaps, “I should be more successful, like my peers.” We might even feel pressure to constantly please others: “I should be more giving, more selfless.” These “shoulds” create a constant inner dialogue of judgment and comparison, often leading to feelings of frustration, inadequacy and a struggling self-esteem.

Common “Shoulds” We Place on Ourselves

The “shoulds” are pervasive and can apply to nearly every area of our lives. Some of the most common include:

• Career and Success: “I should be further along in my career by now.” Or, “I should have my dream job.” Many people find themselves measuring success against arbitrary milestones or comparing their journey to others, which can lead to unnecessary pressure.

• Physical Appearance: “I should be in better shape.” This might be one of the most common “shoulds” that silently dictates how we treat our bodies. We compare ourselves to unrealistic beauty standards or set lofty goals that aren’t aligned with our true needs.

• Productivity: “I should be more productive.” How often do we find ourselves racing to check off endless to-do lists or feeling guilty for taking time to rest? The constant drive to do more, even at the cost of our well-being, is a hallmark of the “shoulds.”

• Social Expectations: “I should be more social.” Or, “I should keep in touch with everyone.” We may feel an obligation to constantly engage with friends and family or attend social events, even if it doesn’t feel fulfilling.

• Self-Care: “I should always be improving myself.” There’s a pervasive belief that we must constantly work on self-improvement—whether it’s mastering a new skill, taking up a hobby, or reading self-help books. The pressure to always be better can sometimes overshadow the importance of simply being.

The Consequences of Living by the “Shoulds”

Living by these silent expectations can have a profound impact on our mental and emotional well-being. The pressure to live up to these “shoulds” often leads to stress, anxiety, and burnout. We may constantly feel like we’re not doing enough or that we’re not living up to our potential. This internalized self-criticism can erode self-compassion and leave us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unworthy.

The problem with the “shoulds” is that they’re often based on unrealistic standards or comparisons to others. They don’t take into account the full picture of our lives, nor do they honour our unique circumstances. When we live according to these expectations, we may end up chasing someone else’s version of success or happiness instead of creating our own path.

Moving Beyond the “Shoulds”

Breaking free from the “shoulds” doesn’t mean abandoning all goals or ambitions. It simply means questioning whether the expectations we set for ourselves are truly aligned with who we are and what we want. It’s about releasing the perfectionism and allowing ourselves to live in a way that feels authentic and fulfilling. 

The first step is catching the should's you unknowingly and knowingly place on yourself. The next step is digging deeper into the belief around that unfair self-expectation. If you’re tired of being weighed down by the “shoulds” in your life, it’s time to take a step back and reassess. Shelly Qualtieri & Associates can guide you on this journey of self-discovery, helping you create a path that’s uniquely yours. Start by recognizing the “shoulds,” questioning their validity, and embracing a life that’s free from unnecessary expectations.

Remember, you are enough just as you are. Let go of the pressure to constantly measure up and start living on your own terms.