The Power of Assertiveness: Speaking Up for Yourself

 Written by - Becky Noblet

Have you ever been in a situation where you paid for a service, only to walk away disappointed? Maybe you had a meal at a restaurant that didn’t meet your expectations, but instead of speaking up, you just quietly paid the bill and left. Or perhaps you've been in a relationship where someone crossed a boundary—maybe a friend or partner borrowed something without asking, or interrupted you during a conversation—and you stayed quiet, hoping things would just resolve on their own.

Maybe you’ve had a boss who asked you to take on extra work that wasn’t in your job description, but instead of pushing back, you agreed, only to feel overwhelmed and resentful later. Or, you’ve been in a group setting where someone constantly dominates the conversation, but instead of asserting your right to speak, you let it go, even though you had something important to say.

We’ve all been there. It’s not always easy to stand up for ourselves, whether we’re in a professional setting, a personal relationship, or even just out in the world. These situations often leave us feeling frustrated, unheard, or even taken advantage of. But here's the thing: these are all examples of where assertiveness could have made a world of difference.

These are situations I've experienced, and over the years, I’ve noticed how many others have struggled with the same challenge: asserting themselves when it matters most. Here’s one example that got me thinking about this topic.

The Salon Incident

I was at the salon, ready for a change. After years of being blonde, I decided to dye my hair a cool, ashy brown. I brought along some inspiration photos and clearly communicated what I wanted to the stylist. We chatted throughout the three-hour process, and I tried my best to trust the process.

When the stylist finally finished, I looked in the mirror and—red hair. It wasn’t the ashy brown I had asked for. In fact, it made my complexion look as though I had been bedridden with the flu for weeks.

But instead of speaking up, I froze. “I love it!” I said with a forced smile, watching my stylist breathe a sigh of relief. I paid the $200 bill, got up, and walked out—with red hair.

Why didn’t I speak up? I had paid a lot of money for this. I’d communicated clearly, but somehow, I didn’t feel entitled to tell her the result didn’t match my request. Instead of facing the awkwardness of confrontation, I chose silence, even though it meant spending the next few months avoiding looking in the mirror to see the outcome of something I didn’t ask for.

This incident made me realize something important: I tend to keep my feelings inside rather than assert myself. And I’m not alone. Many of us struggle with assertiveness in various aspects of life, from service experiences like mine to personal relationships.

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear, direct, and respectful way, without being passive or aggressive. It’s about standing up for yourself while respecting the rights of others.

The problem is, many people struggle with assertiveness. So why is it so hard?

Understanding Communication Styles

One key to improving assertiveness is understanding your communication style. Randy J. Peterson, in his book The Assertiveness Workbook 2nd Edition, outlines five common communication styles:

1. Passive: Individuals avoid expressing their own needs or feelings to prevent conflict. They tend to prioritize others over themselves and struggle with setting boundaries. This can lead to frustration and feeling unheard.

2. Aggressive: Individuals express their needs or feelings in a forceful, disrespectful way. They often disregard others’ feelings in favour of dominating a situation. This can create conflict and damage relationships.

3. Passive-Aggressive: Individuals indirectly express frustration or negative feelings through sarcasm, backhanded comments, or behaviours like procrastination. While they may appear passive, their anger is subtly acted out.

4. Assertive: Individuals express their thoughts and needs directly and respectfully, while also considering others’ feelings and rights. Assertive communicators set healthy boundaries, fostering open and respectful conversations.

5. Alternator: Some people fluctuate between passive and aggressive communication depending on the situation, often because they’ve suppressed their feelings for so long that they eventually “blow up.”

Knowing where you fall on this spectrum is the first step to improving your assertiveness. Peterson emphasizes that assertiveness is not about controlling others' behaviour but about taking control of your own reactions and simultaneously making sure your voice is heard. 

Why Assertiveness Matters

Consistently neglecting to assert ourselves can undermine our self-esteem, contribute to anxiety and depression, and negatively impact our overall well-being. That’s because when we fail to communicate our needs, our emotions can build up over time, eventually erupting in unhealthy ways or simmering beneath the surface, fostering a persistent sense of resentment.

Becoming assertive isn’t always easy, but it’s empowering. Assertiveness allows you to:

• Stand up for yourself: Express your needs clearly without feeling guilty.

• Set healthy boundaries: Protect your time and energy while maintaining respectful relationships.

• Foster respect: Both your voice and the voices of others are valued.

• Reduce stress: Open, honest communication reduces misunderstandings and anxiety.

• Build confidence: Assertiveness helps you feel more confident and in control of your life.

The good news is, assertiveness can be learned and practised. As we become more comfortable expressing ourselves, we create a healthier, more balanced environment in our relationships—whether personal or professional.

Tying It All Together

Going back to my salon experience, I realize that my hesitation to speak up reflected a broader challenge I’ve faced throughout my life. Whether it’s with a stylist, a friend, or a loved one, I’ve often stayed quiet rather than assertively express my feelings. But every time I suppress my emotions, the result is always the same: frustration, resentment, and a missed opportunity to build a stronger, more honest connection with myself and those around me.

Learning to assert myself—whether it’s asking for what I want at the salon or standing up for my feelings in relationships—has become a crucial skill for my personal growth. It’s not about being confrontational; it’s about being authentic, respectful, and owning my right to express myself. Just like I deserved the hair colour I asked for, we all deserve to have our voices heard and our boundaries respected.

Find Your Voice with Shelly Qualtieri & Associates

At Shelly Qualtieri & Associates, we understand the importance of assertiveness in creating healthy relationships and improving overall well-being. If you’re struggling to find your voice or set clear boundaries in your life, we can help. Through personalized coaching and therapy, we teach you how to express yourself confidently and respectfully, empowering you to take control of your communication and build more meaningful connections. Reach out today to start your journey toward greater self-confidence and assertiveness.